Things I Learned in College

Golf Ball + Tennis Racquet + Indoor Hallway = Awesome!

No toilet paper, no paper towels… got coffee filters?

You can make pizza with Bisquick and spaghetti.

You can make a screwdriver with Gatorade. It will not be very good.

It is possible to snort instant coffee.  It is not a good idea.

If you get stoned and stare at the TV for hours people will make fun of you if it’s not turned on.

A crossbow bolt will go completely through drywall.

How to patch drywall.

Yes, there are mermaids in Weeki Wachee Springs, but you cannot get there by canoe.

If you’re going to jump the fence to get into Busch Gardens, you should know where they keep the lions.

“Kinda” good at nunchucks is not good enough to avoid serious head injury.

Threatening someone with a hammer just one time will forever earn you the nickname “Thor”.

It is possible to steal furniture from the study lounge if you wear a mask and cape.

The value of study lounge furniture is highly overstated on police reports.

If you have access to three sets of identical twins, you can make someone think they’ve gone crazy.

You can survive a week on a loaf of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

Uncooked lime jello can be used as a popcorn seasoning.

It doesn’t matter how much tequila you’ve had, you cannot catch a duck.

Prayer (Tim Tebow)

Let me be clear with everyone – I believe in the power or prayer. I really do.

For years I prayed that my mom could get over the anger and hatred she carried for my father. God answered that prayer – he gave her Alzheimers. In a way, it was a blessing, the reasons for the anger and hatred were the first memories to go. She was happy, or at least content, for a time.

A prayed a lot for my mom over the next several years. A few were answered, most were not. The last prayer I said was near the end. The dementia was at it’s worst, and serious physical symptoms were beginning to manifest. The peace and quiet of the retirement home was replaced with the noise, pain and confusion of the hospital. It was horrific. Her suffering was more than I could bear.

My last prayer was this: God, if you can’t do any better than this, why don’t you go ahead and take her now. Not too long after, he answered that prayer. And I am truly grateful for that.

We haven’t spoken much since.

So, you’ll excuse me if I don’t get caught up in this holy Tebow praise Jesus nonsense bullshit that’s going around lately.