A modern redneck’s guide to modern life…

These times, they are a-changin. And changing fast. Sometimes it’s easy to get left behind, and not know how to behave in this brave new world we live in. Here then are a few pointers for those of us having difficulty coping….

1) It’s okay to use the word “gay”, but only for things that are actually gay, for example “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.” It’s not okay to use “gay” to mean lame, as in “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.”

2) You no longer need to say “gay marriage” as now simply “marriage” includes both “straight marriage”, “gay marriage”, and “puppy-dog-kitty-cat marriage”. If you still need to make the distinction in conversation, try something like “all dude marriage” or “chick marriage”

3) Your rebel flag is no longer socially acceptable. This doesn’t mean it can’t still be part of your life. While official state sanctioned displays may be gone, personal displays are still okay. Just remember, the more people see it, the more people will wonder if you’re a racist. A small banner underneath stating your actual racistness, for example “100% Southern, 60% Racist”, will save a lot of questions. Or, consider instead a private in-home display. I recommend a tasteful display on your bedroom wall, right next to your Rhodesia flag.

4) Most other expressions of Southern Pride are still acceptable, but be aware of the occasion and your audience. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is still acceptable in many situations, but there are exceptions. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is now considered to be in bad taste during a cross burning. Those are meant to be solemn affairs. You can still have fun, but please keep a sense of decorum. Also funerals.

5) And lastly… Sorry, but public lynchings are still a major faux pass. Try to avoid if possible. But if unavoidable, please keep the “yeehaw’s” to a minimum, and be sure to send thank-you notes to all involved afterwards.

A quick conversation about a certain flag…

“We should ban the flag, it represents the losing side of a horrible war that nearly destroyed our county, and many people see it as a symbol of hatred and racism.”

“No, we should keep the flag, it’s not about hate. It’s a symbol of our heritage, it represents the pride we have in our culture, our values, our way of life.”

— a conversation that never happened in post-war Germany

A few thoughts on the Confederate Battle Flag….

1) Yeah, I get it, it looks cool.

2) Yeah, I get it, you’re Southern, and you’re proud if it.

3) Yeah, I get it, I understand that the giant battle flag flying at the intersection of I-4 and I-75 is meant to be a memorial to confederate soldiers.

But, none of that matters to me, because…

4) A long time ago I personally decided I would not display it, because I have good friends, friends who are very dear to me, to whom that flag simply IS a symbol of hatred and racism. Now I could spend all my time educating them, and all the new friends and acquaintances I would make throughout my life, on why it’s not really a symbol of hate, at least not when viewed in its proper historical perspective, and why it is nothing more than a harmless symbol of southern pride and heritage. But I thought, even if it were possible, I have much more important things to do with my life.

And it shouldn’t matter to you either…

5) For those who continue to insist that the confederate flag has nothing to do with hate: Are you kidding me? Nothing to do with hate? The KKK adopted it as their flag. It’s their number one go-to symbol. White supremacists everywhere use it as their flag. Pull your head out of your ass, of course it’s a symbol of hate.

Maybe it didn’t start that way, but that is what it has become. Maybe that’s not what it means to you personally, but that most definitely is what it means to others. It’s time we grew up and faced today’s reality.

As a community, having that flag fly at our largest crossroad is like putting up a giant sign that says “Niggers Go Home”. You can talk all day about “History” and “Heritage”, but that’s what it says to the rest of the world. Don’t believe me — I’m sure you pride yourself on having at least one black friend, ask him or her what that flag means to them.

It’s time we grow up, face the truth, understand what the flag symbolizes today, not a hundred and fifty years ago, but today, and recognize it’s time we put our racist relics behind us, and try to act like decent human beings to ALL of God’s children.

And lastly…

6) For those of you who say it’s about “Freedom”. That you have the freedom to fly that flag, that it is your right to display it. Yep, you’re right. You are one hundred percent correct. We live in a free country. By flying that flag, and in a thousand other ways, you have the absolute, constitutionally protected, right to be an asshole.