David Bowie Nearly Ruined My Marriage

David Bowie nearly ruined my marriage. Or more accurately, David Bowie very nearly caused my marriage to never be.

Back in the late 80’s, when I was still in college, I went to see David Bowie at Tampa Stadium. It was part of his “Glass Spider” tour, and it was magnificent. I went with my roommate’s girlfriend — she loved Bowie, he did not — but everyone involved understood this was just two friends going to a concert, nothing more. Well, almost everyone — more on that later.

At the show, on a lark, we bought matching T-shirts, and changed into them immediately. We both liked the same design, and didn’t really care what anyone thought about it. Plus we though it would be kinda funny when we caught up with the rest of “the gang” after the show.

I was looking forward to catching up with the gang after the show, because Kathy (you know her today as Kat) was going to be there. She was the friend of the girlfriend of a different roommate. We had met twice before, several months prior, under complicated circumstances when neither of us were available, but that had all changed since then, for both of us.

What no one in our little gang, myself included, had thought of, was this: Kat had never met my roommate’s girlfriend, and nobody thought to tell her who she was, or more importantly, whose girlfriend she was.

I don’t remember exactly where we were all meeting after the show, but I think it was the bowling alley. In any case, in we burst, wearing matching T-shirts, and absolutely exuberant from having witnessed one of the best concerts ever in the history of rock-and-roll.

Kat, in the absence of any contradictory information, immediately assumed this girl was MY girlfriend. Me, with my keen and highly tuned observational skills, noticed something was amiss about two hours later. I thought I was just off my game. Weak though it usually was, I did have some game. I had no idea I had literally cock-blocked myself.

It took several weeks, plus some well timed smooching and kanoodling on the part of my roommate and his girlfriend, to convince Kat that this girl and I were not involved, had never been involved, and would never be involved. During this time she convinced me that the matching T-shirt idea had been a terribly grievous error in judgment on my part, despite any assertions to the contrary on my part. But, convince we did, and after those several weeks we were firmly back on track to becoming the happy couple you know today.

Still, that was an amazing concert. So thank you for that, David Bowie!

Today’s Lesson from the Bible

Then He will say to those on his left, “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.”

“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty, and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”

They will answer “Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?”

He will reply, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these [brothers and sisters of mine], you did not do for me.”

They will answer again, “But Lord, they were… refugees.”

And He will say, “Oh… well…. then that’s okay then.”

The Big EE-EL (So you say it’s your birthday?)

Today I complete yet another trip around the sun. This year I’ve decided to state my age in Roman numerals. I am “L” years old. That’s right, the big EE-EL. I figure I might as well, this is only the fourth time in my life that I can express my age as a single Roman numeral, and my odds of making it to a fifth one ain’t that great.

I’ll probably do a more in-depth look back at my half century later, but for now I’ll just leave you with this… When I was born, L years ago, there was a Texan in the White House, taking the blame for our involvement in an unpopular war on the other side of the world. The middle east was in turmoil, and the Palestinians and Israelis were constantly attacking each other. Back home there was racial unrest, protests on college campuses, and police across the country were under scrutiny for their treatment of black people. The most popular show on TV followed the wacky exploits of a group of backwoods rednecks who suddenly found fame and fortune, and in the movie theaters James Bond was back in his latest adventure, this time battling SPECTRE.

Yep, times sure have changed a lot since I was born.

The Walking Dead — What Happened to Glen, Dammit?

America: Okay TWD, We’ve been waiting all week. We have to know. Glen, is he… ?

TWD: You seem agitated, maybe now is a good time to take a break How about a nice soothing flashback. Here, let’s find out Morgan’s story.

America: What? wait… no….

TWD: Remember when Morgan was all bat-shit crazy? Then this happened…

(90 minutes later)

America: Okay…. yeah… that was interesting, I guess….

TWD: You’re welcome..


TWD: You seem agitated…

Heaven, God’s Office

SCENE: Heaven, God’s Office

God: Hey Jesus, you got a minute?

Jesus: Sure Dad, what’s up?

God: Sometimes I just don’t understand these people. You’ve been down there, help me out here…

Jesus: What did they do this time?

God: There’s this one guy, see. He’s been praying and praying for months now, wants help with his business, sales are down, he’s losing money, just on and on and on right?

Jesus: Gee Dad, that sounds like a legit request.

God: Well, sure it is, that’s not the problem

Jesus: Then what’s the problem.

God: Okay, so I go to help him right. He’s this baker, does wedding cakes, that’s his specialty, but nobody’s getting married. So I think, hey, where’s the next big untapped marked for wedding cakes?

Jesus: Oh, Dad, you didn’t….

God: Sure I did. Why not….

Jesus: The gays?

God: Sure, the gays, there’s been plenty of “being fruitful and multiplying”, I figure it’s their time.

Jesus: So, you…

God: So I moved a few hearts on the Supreme Court, bada-bing, next thing you know, you’ve got gay weddings out the wazoo.

Jesus: Okay, well… win-win I suppose… What’s the problem

God: This guy, this baker guy, he won’t serve the gays. He won’t sell them a cake. Says you told him not to.

Jesus: Hey, I never said…

God: I know, I know…. but he thinks you did, and that’s all it takes, right?

Jesus: But I LOVE weddings, remember the wine trick?

God: Son, everybody remembers the wine trick, it was epic, but this guy, he thinks he can’t sell a cake to the gays because you said so. And now he’s missing out on all this extra business I brought him, and his business, well it’s headed straight down the crapper.

Jesus: Okay, so, I’m afraid to ask but… What do you me to do about it

God: Could you, you know maybe, just go down there and talk to him?


God: Just a quick trip, you’re in, you’re out…

Jesus: Go DOWN There? Are you SERIOUS? Last time I went down there they nailed me to a tree.

God: Just real quick, you stop in, see this one guy…

Jesus: Seriously, holes through my hands and feet, Dad. Do you KNOW how much physical therapy I went through after that?

God: I know, I know, but…

Jesus: I still have to wear special sandals…

God: And I’m sorry about that, but this guy…

Jesus: Dad. My hand whistles if I wave too quickly.

God: But this guy…

Jesus: Nope, no way. I’m not going back. Not for cake. He’ll just have to find a new career.

God: That’s your final answer?

Jesus: It is. …. Anything else?

God: Well…

Jesus: What?

God: It’s just…

Jesus: What is it?

God: You see, there’s this flower guy…


A modern redneck’s guide to modern life…

These times, they are a-changin. And changing fast. Sometimes it’s easy to get left behind, and not know how to behave in this brave new world we live in. Here then are a few pointers for those of us having difficulty coping….

1) It’s okay to use the word “gay”, but only for things that are actually gay, for example “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.” It’s not okay to use “gay” to mean lame, as in “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.”

2) You no longer need to say “gay marriage” as now simply “marriage” includes both “straight marriage”, “gay marriage”, and “puppy-dog-kitty-cat marriage”. If you still need to make the distinction in conversation, try something like “all dude marriage” or “chick marriage”

3) Your rebel flag is no longer socially acceptable. This doesn’t mean it can’t still be part of your life. While official state sanctioned displays may be gone, personal displays are still okay. Just remember, the more people see it, the more people will wonder if you’re a racist. A small banner underneath stating your actual racistness, for example “100% Southern, 60% Racist”, will save a lot of questions. Or, consider instead a private in-home display. I recommend a tasteful display on your bedroom wall, right next to your Rhodesia flag.

4) Most other expressions of Southern Pride are still acceptable, but be aware of the occasion and your audience. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is still acceptable in many situations, but there are exceptions. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is now considered to be in bad taste during a cross burning. Those are meant to be solemn affairs. You can still have fun, but please keep a sense of decorum. Also funerals.

5) And lastly… Sorry, but public lynchings are still a major faux pass. Try to avoid if possible. But if unavoidable, please keep the “yeehaw’s” to a minimum, and be sure to send thank-you notes to all involved afterwards.

A quick conversation about a certain flag…

“We should ban the flag, it represents the losing side of a horrible war that nearly destroyed our county, and many people see it as a symbol of hatred and racism.”

“No, we should keep the flag, it’s not about hate. It’s a symbol of our heritage, it represents the pride we have in our culture, our values, our way of life.”

— a conversation that never happened in post-war Germany

Baltimore Explained

I’ve been looking through the pictures of the rioting and looting in Baltimore, trying to make some sense of it, and all I’ve come up with is this. All the pictures of looters show them coming out of the stores with toilet paper. Seriously, along with whatever else, they’re all grabbing TP. All of them. We may be missing an important and critical aspect of this story. Nobody talks about it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. And if you gotta go, you gotta have that paper. If the people in Baltimore need toilet paper so badly they’re willing to burn down their city to get it, maybe we should listen. If we can break the cycle of violence with a few multi-packs of Angel Soft, maybe that’s a price worth paying. Hey, if it stops the rioting, I’m willing to send in a roll or two. Who’s with me? ‪#‎TP4Baltimore‬‪ #‎EveryWipeIsImportant‬