Ben Carson’s “Testimony”

First, let me say I do not think all Christians are liars. I have met many who are not. Many are good, honest, hard-working, people.

I will even go as far as to say it’s possible there are some Evangelicals out there who are not liars. Somewhere. Maybe. So I’ve heard. There have to be, right?

But… I’ve seen this game first hand, and all too often. This “testimony” performance that’s required of Evangelicals. Might as well call it “Lying for Jesus”. The thing is, these people actually believe it’s okay to “exaggerate” or “embellish” their story, if it means “saving” someone. So yeah, they are perfectly comfortable with people having their conversion, and by extension their entire faith, based upon a lie. Just so long as it gets them to heaven.

And what’s more, they then have the audacity to expect you to believe everything else they say as cold hard fact, even while they continue to “exaggerate” and “embellish”. And they become genuinely offended when you refuse to believe them. This is why I have such a hard time taking them seriously about anything. Especially when they run for president.

As to the argument that Jesus told stories too… Yes, Jesus told parables, but… It was always clear to the listener that he was telling a parable. And he never, ever, told one of his stories as if they were his own actual personal experiences. So no, fluffing up your award-winning “testimony” story is not the same as Jesus telling a parable. Not even close.

Attention, Christian Florists…

Okay, I’m just going to say this once…

Selling flowers to someone does NOT mean you are participating in their wedding. You are not. You know how I know? All the participants were invited to the rehearsal dinner. Did you get that invite? No? Then you are not a participant. You are a vendor.

Selling flowers to someone does NOT mean you accept, approve of, or condone their behavior. You know how I know? Messages conveyed by flowers are from the buyer, not the florist. You are the messenger, not the message. So unless you take it upon yourself to enclose a card, signed by you, that says “Hey! Congratulations on Being Gay!”, you’re not sending a message. You are a vendor. The only thing you need to worry about approving is their credit.

No, you know what selling flowers to someone does mean? It means you sold some fucking flowers. That’s it. That’s all it means. Nothing else. You sell flowers, they needed flowers, you sold flowers, they bought flowers, end of story.

And guess what? They don’t need your approval, they don’t need your blessing, they don’t need your participation. They just need some nice pretty flowers, which you happen to sell. They just need you to do your fucking job and sell them the pretty flowers. That’s it. Literally nothing more is required of you. Your participation in their life is over the minute you hand them their change.

And, if it turns out these happy customers of yours are horrible people, and they turn around and use those flowers to murder orphans and puppies, I’m pretty sure God will forgive you.

Save the Christians

I recently saw a post on Facebook of a cartoon, it depicted a handful of protesters/activists/whatever holding up signs saying save this species or save that species or save this other species, while basically lamenting that no one was interested in saving the Christians. This is just one example of many with this same theme, the Endangered Christian.

Okay, here’s the thing… Christians are NOT an endangered species. There are nearly two and a half billion (that’s “billion” with a “B”) of them on the planet. There are more Christians than any other flavor of human. BY FAR. If you are Christian, you don’t get to play the oppressed minority. You ARE the majority. You ARE the culture. You ARE the dominant force in our society. You’ve won.

Need proof? Look at your money. The single most important non-religious artifact in our society, and you get to stamp the name of your God all over it. And speaking of money, we let you operate multi-billion (that’s “billion”, with a “B”) dollar industries, doing pretty much whatever you want, unregulated and TAX FREE. No one else gets that deal. No one.

Look, just because we may occasionally stop you from forcing some of your more onerous Christian beliefs on the rest of us, that does not mean that you’re endangered. No one needs to save you from the brink of extinction. If anything, we need saving FROM Christians. Too many Christians just aren’t happy unless their spreading their Christianness all over the rest of us, whether we want it or not. God, please save us from the Christians who are attempting to save us.

Seriously, you are free to do anything you like. Whatever your God requires of you, do it. But you are NOT free to require the same from the rest of us. You decide what’s right for you. Not for me. Just you. Your rights end where my life begins. This is not oppression. This is freedom. Thank God for freedom!

Traditional Values (Mike Huckabee)

Mike Huckabee says “If Christians affirm traditional values, we’re considered homophobic, fundamentalists, hate-mongers, and intolerant.”

Well Mike, there’s a reason for that. These “traditional values” they are affirming are all too often homophobic, fundamentalist, hateful, and intolerant.

I’m sorry Mike, but MY traditional values have to do with accepting people as they are, not judging lest I be judged, and treating others the way I would have them treat me.

Maybe if more Christians honored the traditional value of keeping their goddamned noses out of other people’s goddamned business we could get past this nonsense and all go back to eating our fried chicken in peace.