David Bowie Nearly Ruined My Marriage

David Bowie nearly ruined my marriage. Or more accurately, David Bowie very nearly caused my marriage to never be.

Back in the late 80’s, when I was still in college, I went to see David Bowie at Tampa Stadium. It was part of his “Glass Spider” tour, and it was magnificent. I went with my roommate’s girlfriend — she loved Bowie, he did not — but everyone involved understood this was just two friends going to a concert, nothing more. Well, almost everyone — more on that later.

At the show, on a lark, we bought matching T-shirts, and changed into them immediately. We both liked the same design, and didn’t really care what anyone thought about it. Plus we though it would be kinda funny when we caught up with the rest of “the gang” after the show.

I was looking forward to catching up with the gang after the show, because Kathy (you know her today as Kat) was going to be there. She was the friend of the girlfriend of a different roommate. We had met twice before, several months prior, under complicated circumstances when neither of us were available, but that had all changed since then, for both of us.

What no one in our little gang, myself included, had thought of, was this: Kat had never met my roommate’s girlfriend, and nobody thought to tell her who she was, or more importantly, whose girlfriend she was.

I don’t remember exactly where we were all meeting after the show, but I think it was the bowling alley. In any case, in we burst, wearing matching T-shirts, and absolutely exuberant from having witnessed one of the best concerts ever in the history of rock-and-roll.

Kat, in the absence of any contradictory information, immediately assumed this girl was MY girlfriend. Me, with my keen and highly tuned observational skills, noticed something was amiss about two hours later. I thought I was just off my game. Weak though it usually was, I did have some game. I had no idea I had literally cock-blocked myself.

It took several weeks, plus some well timed smooching and kanoodling on the part of my roommate and his girlfriend, to convince Kat that this girl and I were not involved, had never been involved, and would never be involved. During this time she convinced me that the matching T-shirt idea had been a terribly grievous error in judgment on my part, despite any assertions to the contrary on my part. But, convince we did, and after those several weeks we were firmly back on track to becoming the happy couple you know today.

Still, that was an amazing concert. So thank you for that, David Bowie!

Thoughts on Kim Davis…

Kim Davis is NOT in jail because she is a Christian.

Kim Davis took an oath of office when she was elected Clerk of the County Court. She has failed to uphold that oath, and has prevented those working for her from fulfilling that oath on her behalf. THAT is why Kim Davis is in jail, because she failed to perform the sworn duties of her office.

Now granted, those duties have changed in ways she probably could not imagine when she first took office. (I say that only because she strikes me as a person of limited imagination.) And she now finds she cannot in good conscience continue to perform those duties. Fine, that can happen. There’s a simple solution: Resign.

If you find yourself in a position where you can no longer keep your oath of office, for whatever reason, you have a legal and moral obligation to resign, and in doing so release yourself from that oath.

So, stop being a crybaby, stop playing the martyr. Either do you damn job or step down. Either way you can go home to your three ex-husbands, and we can all get on with our lives.

Attention, Christian Florists…

Okay, I’m just going to say this once…

Selling flowers to someone does NOT mean you are participating in their wedding. You are not. You know how I know? All the participants were invited to the rehearsal dinner. Did you get that invite? No? Then you are not a participant. You are a vendor.

Selling flowers to someone does NOT mean you accept, approve of, or condone their behavior. You know how I know? Messages conveyed by flowers are from the buyer, not the florist. You are the messenger, not the message. So unless you take it upon yourself to enclose a card, signed by you, that says “Hey! Congratulations on Being Gay!”, you’re not sending a message. You are a vendor. The only thing you need to worry about approving is their credit.

No, you know what selling flowers to someone does mean? It means you sold some fucking flowers. That’s it. That’s all it means. Nothing else. You sell flowers, they needed flowers, you sold flowers, they bought flowers, end of story.

And guess what? They don’t need your approval, they don’t need your blessing, they don’t need your participation. They just need some nice pretty flowers, which you happen to sell. They just need you to do your fucking job and sell them the pretty flowers. That’s it. Literally nothing more is required of you. Your participation in their life is over the minute you hand them their change.

And, if it turns out these happy customers of yours are horrible people, and they turn around and use those flowers to murder orphans and puppies, I’m pretty sure God will forgive you.

Heaven, God’s Office

SCENE: Heaven, God’s Office

God: Hey Jesus, you got a minute?

Jesus: Sure Dad, what’s up?

God: Sometimes I just don’t understand these people. You’ve been down there, help me out here…

Jesus: What did they do this time?

God: There’s this one guy, see. He’s been praying and praying for months now, wants help with his business, sales are down, he’s losing money, just on and on and on right?

Jesus: Gee Dad, that sounds like a legit request.

God: Well, sure it is, that’s not the problem

Jesus: Then what’s the problem.

God: Okay, so I go to help him right. He’s this baker, does wedding cakes, that’s his specialty, but nobody’s getting married. So I think, hey, where’s the next big untapped marked for wedding cakes?

Jesus: Oh, Dad, you didn’t….

God: Sure I did. Why not….

Jesus: The gays?

God: Sure, the gays, there’s been plenty of “being fruitful and multiplying”, I figure it’s their time.

Jesus: So, you…

God: So I moved a few hearts on the Supreme Court, bada-bing, next thing you know, you’ve got gay weddings out the wazoo.

Jesus: Okay, well… win-win I suppose… What’s the problem

God: This guy, this baker guy, he won’t serve the gays. He won’t sell them a cake. Says you told him not to.

Jesus: Hey, I never said…

God: I know, I know…. but he thinks you did, and that’s all it takes, right?

Jesus: But I LOVE weddings, remember the wine trick?

God: Son, everybody remembers the wine trick, it was epic, but this guy, he thinks he can’t sell a cake to the gays because you said so. And now he’s missing out on all this extra business I brought him, and his business, well it’s headed straight down the crapper.

Jesus: Okay, so, I’m afraid to ask but… What do you me to do about it

God: Could you, you know maybe, just go down there and talk to him?


God: Just a quick trip, you’re in, you’re out…

Jesus: Go DOWN There? Are you SERIOUS? Last time I went down there they nailed me to a tree.

God: Just real quick, you stop in, see this one guy…

Jesus: Seriously, holes through my hands and feet, Dad. Do you KNOW how much physical therapy I went through after that?

God: I know, I know, but…

Jesus: I still have to wear special sandals…

God: And I’m sorry about that, but this guy…

Jesus: Dad. My hand whistles if I wave too quickly.

God: But this guy…

Jesus: Nope, no way. I’m not going back. Not for cake. He’ll just have to find a new career.

God: That’s your final answer?

Jesus: It is. …. Anything else?

God: Well…

Jesus: What?

God: It’s just…

Jesus: What is it?

God: You see, there’s this flower guy…


A modern redneck’s guide to modern life…

These times, they are a-changin. And changing fast. Sometimes it’s easy to get left behind, and not know how to behave in this brave new world we live in. Here then are a few pointers for those of us having difficulty coping….

1) It’s okay to use the word “gay”, but only for things that are actually gay, for example “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.” It’s not okay to use “gay” to mean lame, as in “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.”

2) You no longer need to say “gay marriage” as now simply “marriage” includes both “straight marriage”, “gay marriage”, and “puppy-dog-kitty-cat marriage”. If you still need to make the distinction in conversation, try something like “all dude marriage” or “chick marriage”

3) Your rebel flag is no longer socially acceptable. This doesn’t mean it can’t still be part of your life. While official state sanctioned displays may be gone, personal displays are still okay. Just remember, the more people see it, the more people will wonder if you’re a racist. A small banner underneath stating your actual racistness, for example “100% Southern, 60% Racist”, will save a lot of questions. Or, consider instead a private in-home display. I recommend a tasteful display on your bedroom wall, right next to your Rhodesia flag.

4) Most other expressions of Southern Pride are still acceptable, but be aware of the occasion and your audience. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is still acceptable in many situations, but there are exceptions. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is now considered to be in bad taste during a cross burning. Those are meant to be solemn affairs. You can still have fun, but please keep a sense of decorum. Also funerals.

5) And lastly… Sorry, but public lynchings are still a major faux pass. Try to avoid if possible. But if unavoidable, please keep the “yeehaw’s” to a minimum, and be sure to send thank-you notes to all involved afterwards.

R.I.P. Defense of Marriage Act

So the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), yet somehow miraculously my marriage has stayed completely intact, despite my being a man married to a women. Wait, let me check… …. yep, sanctity levels holding stable. For reasons unknown, my marriage seems strangely unaffected by others now being able to marry.

Maybe, just maybe, my marriage didn’t need defending after all. (Thanks anyway Mr. Clinton.) Maybe government has no business telling me, or anyone else, who I can and can’t love. Maybe my individual freedoms are important enough to be protected from those who would deny them to me.

We’ve come a long way since our founding fathers first spoke of freedom and liberty. All along the way we’ve found various ways to deny certain others the freedoms we cherish for ourselves. But today, we take one step closer to the ideal, another barrier was removed, a wrong righted, a freedom restored.

Today I am proud to be an American. I plan to enjoy this feeling all day. We don’t get many days like this anymore. (Someone cue up the Lee Greenwood.)