Random Thoughts – Page 6

It’s ONE day… (Thanksgiving)

It’s Thanksgiving tomorrow. Stay home. Be with the ones you love. Let the retailers do the same…

(A few words from a retailer and dear friend of mine…)

It’s ONE day. I’m a retailer. I’m a capitalist. I NEED people to shop. But I’ve already given up my Sundays with my family for working for a public that is also working so much that often they only have Sundays to shop together, but I’m also willing to say in a public forum that I’m not happy about the Sunday work, not one little bit. But Thanksgiving has been set aside for thankfulness, contemplation, and reflection. It is SUPPOSED to be a pause-and-think moment. In even small-town American, I now work New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, etc. You’ll literally have to shoot me before I work on Christmas Day and Easter, but this nation has lost the meaning of this holiday. Shame on everyone shopping. No, I am not condemning the stores opening. In many cases, if they closed and lost those sales to competitors in this economy, it could mean business death. SHAME ON THE SHOPPERS. Knock it off! STOP! It is ONE DAY! I’ll be working every day, literally EVERY day, from Friday morning until Christmas Day. You’ll have ample opportunity to shop, and our economy and us business owners depend upon it. But just this ONE day, stop and be thankful, and let many of us have just one day off work, something for which some of us are more thankful than some shoppers must realize.

— Jeff Haddan

The Big EE-EL (So you say it’s your birthday?)

Today I complete yet another trip around the sun. This year I’ve decided to state my age in Roman numerals. I am “L” years old. That’s right, the big EE-EL. I figure I might as well, this is only the fourth time in my life that I can express my age as a single Roman numeral, and my odds of making it to a fifth one ain’t that great.

I’ll probably do a more in-depth look back at my half century later, but for now I’ll just leave you with this… When I was born, L years ago, there was a Texan in the White House, taking the blame for our involvement in an unpopular war on the other side of the world. The middle east was in turmoil, and the Palestinians and Israelis were constantly attacking each other. Back home there was racial unrest, protests on college campuses, and police across the country were under scrutiny for their treatment of black people. The most popular show on TV followed the wacky exploits of a group of backwoods rednecks who suddenly found fame and fortune, and in the movie theaters James Bond was back in his latest adventure, this time battling SPECTRE.

Yep, times sure have changed a lot since I was born.

The Walking Dead — What Happened to Glen, Dammit?

America: Okay TWD, We’ve been waiting all week. We have to know. Glen, is he… ?

TWD: You seem agitated, maybe now is a good time to take a break How about a nice soothing flashback. Here, let’s find out Morgan’s story.

America: What? wait… no….

TWD: Remember when Morgan was all bat-shit crazy? Then this happened…

(90 minutes later)

America: Okay…. yeah… that was interesting, I guess….

TWD: You’re welcome..

America: BUT WTF? WHAT HAPPENED TO GLEN?

TWD: You seem agitated…

Cecil the Lion

Okay, I swore to myself I wasn’t going to comment on the whole Cecil the Lion thing, but… I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen, so, here goes…

First, let me say I have no problem with hunting in general. Life feeds on life. That is literally a fact of life. To live, something must die, even it it’s a plant. And since I have no intention of becoming a vegetarian, that means animals.

That said, I do believe we have a sacred responsibility to treat animals humanely while they are alive, and kill them humanely when we are ready to eat them. This means, if we are going to kill an animal, either as the butcher or the hunter, we do it quickly and cleanly, with as little pain and fear as possible.

If you’re wondering, no, I don’t hunt myself. Not for any moral reason. I don’t hunt mostly because I’m not much of a morning person. I’m also not a very woodsy person. And I’m definitely not much of a rip the gushy squishy insides out of a dead animal so I can eat it later person. And I don’t cook. Look, I could. I know how to do all of those things, I just don’t want to. I prefer to leave it to the professionals, and those enthusiastic amateurs who actually enjoy it. Have at it.

So like I said, I have no problem with hunting, especially deer or boar or turkey or the like, because they are both plentiful and tasty. But we need boundaries. There are some things we probably should not hunt…

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, you should never, ever, hunt anything named “Cecil”. Why? Because anything named “Cecil” is probably adorable, like totally adorable, and if you kill it, people will hate you.

Next, let’s say don’t hunt endangered animals. Why? Because they’re fucking endangered. Seriously, how are we not grasping this concept? Endangered. As in, there’s not enough of them. Don’t kill the few we have left.

Lastly, let me say, if you enjoy the challenge and accomplishment of going out and hunting and killing your own food and preparing and providing it to your family and friends, good for you — that’s what a hunter does. We will seek you out when the apocalypse comes.

But, if you enjoy going out and killing things just for the sake of killing them, we have a word for people like that. We call those people “psychopaths”.

Outrageous Wages

Dunkin Donuts CEO Nigel Travis says a $15 wage for food workers is “absolutely outrageous”.

Last year Nigel Travis made $10,204,803.

That’s nearly $5,000 an hour. ($4906.15 to be exact)

If you made $15 and hour working full time, you would make $31,200 a year.

Nigel will earn $31,200 in about six and a half hours.

You know what I think is outrageous? Making more money in one day than your workers will make all year, and then complaining that THEY are paid too much.

Heaven, God’s Office

SCENE: Heaven, God’s Office

God: Hey Jesus, you got a minute?

Jesus: Sure Dad, what’s up?

God: Sometimes I just don’t understand these people. You’ve been down there, help me out here…

Jesus: What did they do this time?

God: There’s this one guy, see. He’s been praying and praying for months now, wants help with his business, sales are down, he’s losing money, just on and on and on right?

Jesus: Gee Dad, that sounds like a legit request.

God: Well, sure it is, that’s not the problem

Jesus: Then what’s the problem.

God: Okay, so I go to help him right. He’s this baker, does wedding cakes, that’s his specialty, but nobody’s getting married. So I think, hey, where’s the next big untapped marked for wedding cakes?

Jesus: Oh, Dad, you didn’t….

God: Sure I did. Why not….

Jesus: The gays?

God: Sure, the gays, there’s been plenty of “being fruitful and multiplying”, I figure it’s their time.

Jesus: So, you…

God: So I moved a few hearts on the Supreme Court, bada-bing, next thing you know, you’ve got gay weddings out the wazoo.

Jesus: Okay, well… win-win I suppose… What’s the problem

God: This guy, this baker guy, he won’t serve the gays. He won’t sell them a cake. Says you told him not to.

Jesus: Hey, I never said…

God: I know, I know…. but he thinks you did, and that’s all it takes, right?

Jesus: But I LOVE weddings, remember the wine trick?

God: Son, everybody remembers the wine trick, it was epic, but this guy, he thinks he can’t sell a cake to the gays because you said so. And now he’s missing out on all this extra business I brought him, and his business, well it’s headed straight down the crapper.

Jesus: Okay, so, I’m afraid to ask but… What do you me to do about it

God: Could you, you know maybe, just go down there and talk to him?

Jesus: GO DOWN THERE?!

God: Just a quick trip, you’re in, you’re out…

Jesus: Go DOWN There? Are you SERIOUS? Last time I went down there they nailed me to a tree.

God: Just real quick, you stop in, see this one guy…

Jesus: Seriously, holes through my hands and feet, Dad. Do you KNOW how much physical therapy I went through after that?

God: I know, I know, but…

Jesus: I still have to wear special sandals…

God: And I’m sorry about that, but this guy…

Jesus: Dad. My hand whistles if I wave too quickly.

God: But this guy…

Jesus: Nope, no way. I’m not going back. Not for cake. He’ll just have to find a new career.

God: That’s your final answer?

Jesus: It is. …. Anything else?

God: Well…

Jesus: What?

God: It’s just…

Jesus: What is it?

God: You see, there’s this flower guy…

END SCENE

A modern redneck’s guide to modern life…

These times, they are a-changin. And changing fast. Sometimes it’s easy to get left behind, and not know how to behave in this brave new world we live in. Here then are a few pointers for those of us having difficulty coping….

1) It’s okay to use the word “gay”, but only for things that are actually gay, for example “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.” It’s not okay to use “gay” to mean lame, as in “A rainbow colored White House is so gay.”

2) You no longer need to say “gay marriage” as now simply “marriage” includes both “straight marriage”, “gay marriage”, and “puppy-dog-kitty-cat marriage”. If you still need to make the distinction in conversation, try something like “all dude marriage” or “chick marriage”

3) Your rebel flag is no longer socially acceptable. This doesn’t mean it can’t still be part of your life. While official state sanctioned displays may be gone, personal displays are still okay. Just remember, the more people see it, the more people will wonder if you’re a racist. A small banner underneath stating your actual racistness, for example “100% Southern, 60% Racist”, will save a lot of questions. Or, consider instead a private in-home display. I recommend a tasteful display on your bedroom wall, right next to your Rhodesia flag.

4) Most other expressions of Southern Pride are still acceptable, but be aware of the occasion and your audience. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is still acceptable in many situations, but there are exceptions. For example, shouting “Yeehaw!” is now considered to be in bad taste during a cross burning. Those are meant to be solemn affairs. You can still have fun, but please keep a sense of decorum. Also funerals.

5) And lastly… Sorry, but public lynchings are still a major faux pass. Try to avoid if possible. But if unavoidable, please keep the “yeehaw’s” to a minimum, and be sure to send thank-you notes to all involved afterwards.

A quick conversation about a certain flag…

“We should ban the flag, it represents the losing side of a horrible war that nearly destroyed our county, and many people see it as a symbol of hatred and racism.”

“No, we should keep the flag, it’s not about hate. It’s a symbol of our heritage, it represents the pride we have in our culture, our values, our way of life.”

— a conversation that never happened in post-war Germany

Baltimore Explained

I’ve been looking through the pictures of the rioting and looting in Baltimore, trying to make some sense of it, and all I’ve come up with is this. All the pictures of looters show them coming out of the stores with toilet paper. Seriously, along with whatever else, they’re all grabbing TP. All of them. We may be missing an important and critical aspect of this story. Nobody talks about it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. And if you gotta go, you gotta have that paper. If the people in Baltimore need toilet paper so badly they’re willing to burn down their city to get it, maybe we should listen. If we can break the cycle of violence with a few multi-packs of Angel Soft, maybe that’s a price worth paying. Hey, if it stops the rioting, I’m willing to send in a roll or two. Who’s with me? ‪#‎TP4Baltimore‬‪ #‎EveryWipeIsImportant‬

Save the Christians

I recently saw a post on Facebook of a cartoon, it depicted a handful of protesters/activists/whatever holding up signs saying save this species or save that species or save this other species, while basically lamenting that no one was interested in saving the Christians. This is just one example of many with this same theme, the Endangered Christian.

Okay, here’s the thing… Christians are NOT an endangered species. There are nearly two and a half billion (that’s “billion” with a “B”) of them on the planet. There are more Christians than any other flavor of human. BY FAR. If you are Christian, you don’t get to play the oppressed minority. You ARE the majority. You ARE the culture. You ARE the dominant force in our society. You’ve won.

Need proof? Look at your money. The single most important non-religious artifact in our society, and you get to stamp the name of your God all over it. And speaking of money, we let you operate multi-billion (that’s “billion”, with a “B”) dollar industries, doing pretty much whatever you want, unregulated and TAX FREE. No one else gets that deal. No one.

Look, just because we may occasionally stop you from forcing some of your more onerous Christian beliefs on the rest of us, that does not mean that you’re endangered. No one needs to save you from the brink of extinction. If anything, we need saving FROM Christians. Too many Christians just aren’t happy unless their spreading their Christianness all over the rest of us, whether we want it or not. God, please save us from the Christians who are attempting to save us.

Seriously, you are free to do anything you like. Whatever your God requires of you, do it. But you are NOT free to require the same from the rest of us. You decide what’s right for you. Not for me. Just you. Your rights end where my life begins. This is not oppression. This is freedom. Thank God for freedom!