What should we do about Crimea?

Seems like everybody’s talking about what the US should do about Crimea. And by everybody, I mean mostly the 24 hour news-o-tainment channels, but they’re all asking: What should the US do about Crimea? What should the US do about Ukraine? What should the US do about Russia? What should the US do about Putin? What should the US do? You wanna know what the US should do? I’ll tell you what the US should do. Fuck All. That’s what we should do. We should do fuck all about Crimea. We have no interest in Crimea. None. Zero. It is simply none of our business.

You know who has an interest in Crimea? Crimeans, they live there. You know who else has an interest? Ukraine, it’s part of their country. You know who else? Russia, apparently most Crimeans are ethnically Russian (whatever that means). And you know who else? Europe. Sort of. Well, Crimea is Europe-adjacent. And they are a trading partner with Ukraine. And with Russia. So, yes, Europe has some interest in Crimea.

But you know who has no interest in Crimea? Trinidad and Tobago. They have no interest. None. You know who else has no interest? Papua New Guinea. They have no interest either. You know who else? The United States. Do we trade with Ukraine? No, not really. Is Ukraine a member of NATO? No, not yet anyway. Do we have some other defense treaty with Ukraine? No, we do not. Do we have any kind of friendship or special relationship with Ukraine? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Has Ukraine even asked us to do anything? No, they have not. Has anybody, outside of Fox News? No.

So here’s what we should do. We should stay the fuck out of it. All the way the fuck out of it. We should tell Ukraine, Russia, and Crimea, “Look, you guys work it out amongst yourselves, alright? We’ll be over here fracking around for oil. You just let us know what you decide. ‘kay? Cool.”