Author: curtis.wiggins

There have been times in my life…

… when I have been drunk.  Shocking, I know, but…  I have been drunk.  I mean really drunk.  No, I mean really, really drunk.  I have been pass-out, blind, stinking, staggering, slobbering drunk.

I have made bad decisions.  I have gone places I shouldn’t have.  I have passed out in places I shouldn’t have.  I have woken up in places I shouldn’t have.  I have woken up in places I didn’t even recognize.

I’ve been so drunk I thought I could sing.  I’ve been so drunk I thought I could leap off buildings.  I’ve been so drunk I thought I could catch a duck.  (Hint:  You can’t, if you get close, those suckers know how to fly.)  In short, I have been all kinds of drunk, but…

I have never, ever been so drunk that I thought it was okay to fuck a woman passed out behind a dumpster.

I don’t think it’s possible to get that drunk.

You see, you are either a person who thinks it’s okay to fuck someone who is passed out, or you are not.  No amount of alcohol changes that.

When people do things drunk that they wouldn’t do sober, it is always, and I mean always, things that they wanted to do.  The only reason they didn’t do them sober was because they feared the consequences.  That is what alcohol does — it removes fear.

So, if you get caught fucking a woman passed out behind a dumpster, it’s not the alcohol.  I don’t care how drunk you were.  It just means you are the type of person who would fuck a woman passed out behind a dumpster.  In short, it means that, drunk or sober, you are a rapist.

God spoke to me…

He told me to tell you to leave the gays alone. They’re not hurting anybody, plus He really enjoys the Project Runway. He said what you should really focus on are the people who eat shellfish, they’re the real sinners. If they don’t change their ways, those dirty little clam-eaters are going straight to Hell. …… (Um, yeah… No, still talking about shellfish.)

Bathrooms? Really?

Let’s review. In parts of the world people are starving, dying of AIDS, or unable to find clean drinking water. Soldiers and paramilitary are raping and killing missionaries and other civilians. Young women and children are kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. Terrorists are blowing up buildings over poorly drawn cartoons. Refugees are losing their homes and homeland and literally everything they have, and they have nowhere to turn.

Meanwhile, in this country race relations between police and the black community are at their worst since maybe the 70’s, Flint Michigan is creating a generation of special needs children from lead poisoning in their drinking water, the war on drugs continues to imprison the wrong people, the only job growth is in low wage jobs but everyone’s okay with low wage workers living in poverty, health care is still our biggest expense and we still don’t have a good plan for dealing with it, an entire generation is living with their parents because they can’t afford student loans and to live on their own, and again we’re all okay with that, not to mention in a few months one of four possible idiots with the best of intentions will begin putting bad policies in place that will only make things fantastically worse, and may even possibly bring an end to an American Republic that has otherwise withstood over 200 years of well-intentioned idiots.

And our biggest issue is: Who can use which bathroom?

Seriously? That’s the problem? That’s where we draw the line in the sand?

A little over a hundred years ago most of us didn’t even have indoor plumbing. As a species we’ve been pooping and peeing in front of ourselves for hundreds of thousands of years. Now suddenly we’re shy about sharing a potty with someone who is different.

If that’s really the biggest problem in your life, then get down on your knees and thank God with everything you’ve got, because you’ve got a pretty freaking wonderful life.

Otherwise, knock it off. Forget about who’s peeing where, and try focusing on some of the things going on around you that are truly worthy of your indignation.

And while we’re on the subject, let’s stop for a moment and be honest about what we’re really afraid of. There is no epidemic of male perverts sneaking into women’s rooms. It’s just not happening, not to the extent that it can’t be dealt with using existing laws. A guy follows your wife or little girl into the bathroom with bad intent? Yeah, obviously, beat the living crap out of him, no jury will convict you. We don’t need a law saying he can’t go in there. And by the way you could be prosecuted under that same law if you go in there to pull him out.

No, be honest, predatory perverts in public restrooms is not a huge pressing issue. What we’re really afraid of is… transvestites.

I say “we” collectively, because I have to believe, if you’re afraid of transvestites, it can only be because you’ve never met one. Honestly, there is no one on the planet who has ever met a transvestite who is still afraid of transvestites. They are literally the least threatening people alive. Sadly, they are often the people who have spent their whole lives getting beat up. They are not the predators. They are the prey.

So, if that’s your fear, face it. Go meet a transvestite. Find out for yourself how “scary” they really are. I’m telling you, you won’t regret it. Anyone who is brave enough, or crazy enough, or unconcerned enough, or whatever, to put a dress on over a penis and go out in public, knowing the public’s reaction dress-covered penises, THAT is someone you want to talk to.

Harriet Tubman on the $20…

Conservative reaction: It is political correctness run amok, it is nothing but pandering to women and minorities. Andrew Jackson was a great president and a war hero, and he deserves his place on the twenty.

Liberal reaction: Well it’s about time, Harriet Tubman was a hero who saved thousands of lives, while Andrew Jackson’s relocation of tens of thousands of Native Americans resulted in literally thousands of unnecessary deaths.

My reaction: Hmm…  Okay.

Today’s topic: Friends.

I saw two news articles on FB today about friends.

In the first, a gay couple in Ohio sent out wedding invitations to all their friends. They received a reply from one of their friends stating that not only do they not support them, but that they would forward their invitation to an local anti-gay group so they could organize an anti-gay protest to disrupt their wedding. They closed by stating how much fun they were going to have watching their day be ruined.

In the other article, there’s these two girls who are described as friends. They go out one night with this third guy they know, and before the night is over, they go back home where the younger girl gets raped by the guy, while her friend takes out her phone and live-streams video of it to the Internet.

So, my question is, this word “friend”… have I been using it wrong all my life?

Branding

It occurs to me….

If you don’t hate poor people, you’re branded a “liberal”.

If you don’t hate rich people, you’re branded a “conservative”.

So two questions…

1) When did we begin defining our political affiliations based on hate?

and more importantly….

2) I don’t hate poor people. I don’t hate rich people. On the other hand, I do hate people in general. What does that make me, politically speaking?

Lives Matter

I have held off commenting on the whole “Black Lives Matter” controversy for quite some time, mostly because I can’t believe it is even possible for there to be a controversy. I seriously thought I was imagining it. Apparently I am not. So…. hang on, we’re gonna have to think this one through.

Let’s break it down….

It’s a pretty simple statement. Black Lives Matter. Who in their right mind could possibly argue otherwise? Seriously, how do you argue against that statement?

Then I realized. In my logical, English-speaking mind, the opposite of “Black Lives Matter” is the simple negation, “Black Lives Don’t Matter”. Who would believe that? Who would think that? What kind of racist monster would even suggest saying Black Lives Don’t Matter?

Nobody. No one would. That’s not it. That’s not how it works. First…. you have to twist the message.

Transform “Black Lives Matter” into “Only Black Lives Matter” , then…. now you’ve got something. Them’s fightin words. Now you can work up all your righteous indignity and respond with “All Lives Matter”. All Lives mother-&@#$! That’s right, you ain’t special. All Lives Matter.

But… There’s a problem with that. A big, fundamental problem: Nobody is saying “Only Black Lives Matter”. Nobody. Nobody is saying “Black Lives Matter More”. Nobody is saying “White Lives Don’t Matter.”

Nobody. No. Not anybody. Stop it. Just Stop. Nobody.

The only thing the “Black Lives Matter” movement is saying, is…. wait for it….. Black. Lives. Matter. Just those three words. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing more. Nothing less. It really is that simple.

Only in America would people think “All Lives Matter” is the logical opposite of “Black Lives Matter”.

Do we not understand subsets?

Of course All Lives Matter. Of course Black Lives Matter. These are not mutually exclusive. After all “Black” is part of “All” right? Black people are part of All people, right?

Wait…. now I think I see the problem…

Super Bowl Halftime Show

Just an observation…

As I’ve been browsing facebook today, I’ve noticed a lot of comments along the lines of Beyonce’s outfit was inappropriate, or the lyrics were not appropriate, or they were offended by the “black panther” style costumes or “black power” gestures. And something occurred to me.

These are the very same people, in many cases, that complain about people today are too easily offended, that people are too sensitive to every little thing, that political correctness has run amok, and political correctness is just ruining this country. We need to say no to political correctness, speak our minds, stop filtering, and stop worrying so much about offending others.

So what I’ve gathered is this. When white people say or do something inappropriate, black people need to calm down and not get so offended by it, don’t be so sensitive, after all it’s a free country, and we’re not hurting nobody, and we’re all free to express ourselves any way we like.

But when black people say or do something inappropriate, black people need to realize what they’re doing is offensive to others, this is not the right time or place, and they need to take that somewhere else, or keep it to themselves, because we don’t want to see it. Show some sensitivity. That there are boundaries and decorum and folks shouldn’t just go around willy-nilly expressing themselves any way they like.

Again, just an observation, feel free to discuss…

The Shining City upon a Hill

I’ve spoken of the shining city all my political life, but I don’t know if I ever quite communicated what I saw when I said it. But in my mind it was a tall proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, wind-swept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace, a city with free ports that hummed with commerce and creativity, and if there had to be city walls, the walls had doors and the doors were open to anyone with the will and the heart to get here. That’s how I saw it and see it still.

— Ronald Reagan

David Bowie Nearly Ruined My Marriage

David Bowie nearly ruined my marriage. Or more accurately, David Bowie very nearly caused my marriage to never be.

Back in the late 80’s, when I was still in college, I went to see David Bowie at Tampa Stadium. It was part of his “Glass Spider” tour, and it was magnificent. I went with my roommate’s girlfriend — she loved Bowie, he did not — but everyone involved understood this was just two friends going to a concert, nothing more. Well, almost everyone — more on that later.

At the show, on a lark, we bought matching T-shirts, and changed into them immediately. We both liked the same design, and didn’t really care what anyone thought about it. Plus we though it would be kinda funny when we caught up with the rest of “the gang” after the show.

I was looking forward to catching up with the gang after the show, because Kathy (you know her today as Kat) was going to be there. She was the friend of the girlfriend of a different roommate. We had met twice before, several months prior, under complicated circumstances when neither of us were available, but that had all changed since then, for both of us.

What no one in our little gang, myself included, had thought of, was this: Kat had never met my roommate’s girlfriend, and nobody thought to tell her who she was, or more importantly, whose girlfriend she was.

I don’t remember exactly where we were all meeting after the show, but I think it was the bowling alley. In any case, in we burst, wearing matching T-shirts, and absolutely exuberant from having witnessed one of the best concerts ever in the history of rock-and-roll.

Kat, in the absence of any contradictory information, immediately assumed this girl was MY girlfriend. Me, with my keen and highly tuned observational skills, noticed something was amiss about two hours later. I thought I was just off my game. Weak though it usually was, I did have some game. I had no idea I had literally cock-blocked myself.

It took several weeks, plus some well timed smooching and kanoodling on the part of my roommate and his girlfriend, to convince Kat that this girl and I were not involved, had never been involved, and would never be involved. During this time she convinced me that the matching T-shirt idea had been a terribly grievous error in judgment on my part, despite any assertions to the contrary on my part. But, convince we did, and after those several weeks we were firmly back on track to becoming the happy couple you know today.

Still, that was an amazing concert. So thank you for that, David Bowie!