Random Thoughts – Page 8

Is Paula Deen a Racist?

Paula Deen says she’s not a racist. I think Paula Deen truly believes she is not a racist. I think there are many people out there, who may not realize they are a racist. I think perhaps we should give Paula Deen and others a few tips, on how to tell whether or not they might be a racist. (With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

– If you think having an all black wait-staff, at a plantation style wedding, is a good idea… you might be a racist.

– If you don’t know if the N-word is offensive to black people… well, you just might be a racist.

– If you don’t know WHY the N-word is offensive…. you might be a racist.

– If you think “Most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks”… I got news for ya…. not only might you be a racist. But also… Lady you know fuck all about what’s funny.

Mister Rogers, Captain Kangaroo, and Romper Room

I just read that Mister Rogers passed away 10 years ago today, and this made me stop a moment and reflect. Mister Rogers and Captain Kangaroo were the first two adults, outside of my immediate family, to take the time to talk directly to me. They were always warm and kind, and never mean or cruel. Unlike that Romper Room bitch. She’d look through that magic looking glass thingy, “I see Susie and Jamie and Kevin and Mark…” What about me? I’m right here! Can’t you see me? I would be right in front of the TV, jumping up and down, waving frantically. Why can’t she see me? I watched every day for years. Every damn day, just waiting, waiting for that day she called my name. Bitch never saw me. Never. Finally one day I turned her off, threw away my little plastic-cup-on-a-rope stompy thingies, and never looked back. She was the first woman to ever break my heart, and it was time for me to move on. Still, every now and then, I think of her. And I think, if I ever run into that Romper Room lady, I swear I’m gonna walk right up to her, slap her in the face, and say “Can you see me now bitch?”

Hiccups

In an earlier post, a friend referenced a medical journal article which suggested hiccups could be cured by “digital rectal stimulation”…

I’ll just pause for a moment here and let that one sink in…

Now, for the record, if you ever see me with the hiccups, and *that* is the cure that comes to your mind (and it will be now), do me a favor and just let me keep the hiccups.

Also, rest assured, if I ever come across you with a case of the hiccups, know that while I like you, I do NOT like you THAT well.

Dealer Licensing

Do you know what the state of Florida requires you to do if you want to become an auto dealer?

– get a $25,000 bond
– get $25,000 in liability insurance
– provide proof of lease or ownership of your location
– make sure your location has a permanent structure for an office
– have DMV inspect and approve your location
– complete a 16 hour dealer training seminar
– submit fingerprints
– complete an application
– pay a $300 application fee

Do you know what the state of Florida requires you to do if you want to become a gun dealer?

– nothing
– no really, literally nothing

(In the interest of full disclosure, an ATF license is required for gun dealers in any state. The application fee is $200. It does require fingerprinting and a background check.)

In other news, the my future dream business of “Wiggins World of Wheels” will be changing it’s name slightly… to “Wiggins Weapon Wonderland”.

Community

Okay, time to rant a little about “Community”. Feel free to tune out now…

First the good news: It’s been renewed for a fourth season.

Now the bad news: Only renewed for 13 episodes.

And the worse news: They’re moving it to Friday nights (the terminal ward of network television timeslots).

And the even worse news: NBC has fired creator and showrunner Dan Harmon.

Well, they didn’t so much fire him as they announced the hiring of his replacements. Helen Keller could read between those lines.

The pair picked to replace Harmon come well respected, but it seems clear their job will be to dramatically boost ratings if there is any hope of it surviving to a fifth season. It is unlikely they will be left to their own devices to do this, no doubt the NBC execs already have a slew of notes and “suggestions” for the new team, ideas designed to make the show more “accessible”, and appeal to a “wider audience”.

If “Community” were a mental patient, we would call this a lobotomy. The cleverness and quirkiness we love will slowly, or perhaps quickly, disappear.

To be fair Dan Harmon was something of a loose cannon, and had a habit of driving talent away, but… it was his vision. It’s hard to imagine it will fare well in other hands. This is the darkest timeline.

In brighter news, “Cougar Town” was picked up for a fourth season by TBS. All indications are the entire cast and crew will be included in the transition from ABC to TBS.

Things I Learned in College

Golf Ball + Tennis Racquet + Indoor Hallway = Awesome!

No toilet paper, no paper towels… got coffee filters?

You can make pizza with Bisquick and spaghetti.

You can make a screwdriver with Gatorade. It will not be very good.

It is possible to snort instant coffee. It is not a good idea.

If you get stoned and stare at the TV for hours people will make fun of you if it’s not turned on.

A crossbow bolt will go completely through drywall.

How to patch drywall.

Yes, there are mermaids in Weeki Wachee Springs, but you cannot get there by canoe.

If you’re going to jump the fence to get into Busch Gardens, you should know where they keep the lions.

“Kinda” good at nunchucks is not good enough to avoid serious head injury.

Threatening someone with a hammer just one time will forever earn you the nickname “Thor”.

It is possible to steal furniture from the study lounge if you wear a mask and cape.

The value of study lounge furniture is highly overstated on police reports.

If you have access to three sets of identical twins, you can make someone think they’ve gone crazy.

You can survive a week on a loaf of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

Uncooked lime jello can be used as a popcorn seasoning.

It doesn’t matter how much tequila you’ve had, you cannot catch a duck.

Prayer (Tim Tebow)

Let me be clear with everyone – I believe in the power or prayer. I really do.

For years I prayed that my mom could get over the anger and hatred she carried for my father. God answered that prayer – he gave her Alzheimers. In a way, it was a blessing, the reasons for the anger and hatred were the first memories to go. She was happy, or at least content, for a time.

A prayed a lot for my mom over the next several years. A few were answered, most were not. The last prayer I said was near the end. The dementia was at it’s worst, and serious physical symptoms were beginning to manifest. The peace and quiet of the retirement home was replaced with the noise, pain and confusion of the hospital. It was horrific. Her suffering was more than I could bear.

My last prayer was this: God, if you can’t do any better than this, why don’t you go ahead and take her now. Not too long after, he answered that prayer. And I am truly grateful for that.

We haven’t spoken much since.

So, you’ll excuse me if I don’t get caught up in this holy Tebow praise Jesus nonsense bullshit that’s going around lately.

Pervasive Language

So I’m watching TV, and a commercial comes on for the movie “Ides of March”. It’s rated R, for… “pervasive language”. What? pervasive language? Like what, English? Yeah, English is spoken damn near everywhere, so that’s pretty pervasive I guess, but how does that call for an R rating? Language is pervasive amongst kids under 17 too. Damn pervasive. Heck, almost all of them speak it. Sort of. Some of them even speak more than one. Sort of. Anyhow, I’m pretty sure most kids have heard a few different languages before they reach 17, so what’s the deal? Oh, wait… is “language” code for boobies?

Transitions

For five days I was on a ship where a team of no less than 1,000 people were standing by, with no other purpose in life than to bring me a bloody mary at a moments notice. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Tomorrow I return to work, where a much smaller team awaits. Two things make this team very different than the team aboard ship. One, they will expect me to actually do things. Two, even if I actually do things, none of them will bring me a bloody mary. This hardly seems fair…

Treasury Bonds

Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. S&P downgrades US Treasury bonds, indicating they are not as safe as they used to be. Investors, fearing economic collapse, pull all of their money out of the stock market, and put that money into… wait for it… US Treasury bonds, because… they are a safe investment. Humans are weird.